We love our parents. No matter if they hurt us sometimes, because everybody can make mistakes. But if you feel intense guilt after talking to your mom or dad? What if they try to make decisions for you, even though you’re already an adult? Is it just one of their mistakes?
Many adults grow up believing this is just “how parents are,” without realizing how deeply controlling behavior can affect them. But you and your controlling mother are adults who both can take accountability for yourselves, right? This article will show how to know controlling mothers and fathers and how to deal with them in a way that protects your emotional well-being.
Why Some Parents Are Controlling
Nobody is born “evil.” Hurting and controlling behaviors usually develop as coping mechanisms in children who didn’t feel supported. If your father or mother shows controlling signs, this may be because:
- They repeat toxic patterns from their own upbringing.
Controlling behavior is most often a result of strict and emotionally unsafe households. Children who witnessed controlling mother signs may copy their behavior because that’s how they imagine “discipline,” “care,” or “responsibility.” Without self-awareness, toxic behavior is their “only” choice.
- They are driven by unresolved trauma.
Traumatized parents tend to see the world as dangerous and unpredictable. Control becomes a way to manage their fear. Their psyche may be very reasonable: “If I control my children, they will be safe/successful/happy, etc.” Unfortunately, controlling parents may not be aware that their reasoning isn’t universally good and costs you your autonomy.
- They struggle with emotional intelligence.
Some parents may lack the skills to regulate their emotions. Instead of processing fear or insecurity internally, they act it out through control. For example, some parents could have experienced their parents having cold mother syndrome and adopt it for their kids.
- They worry excessively about other people’s opinions.
It’s true that the opinions of others mattered significantly in the past. That’s why some fathers and mothers who show controlling signs see you as a continuation of them. If they have low self-esteem or rely on the opinion of others, they may try to protect their social standing through you.
- They don’t see you as a separate individual.
At the core, control is one type of parenting styles that is about blurred boundaries. A parent may experience you as an extension of themselves, even though you are an independent adult. Your independence might feel like rejection or loss of control to them.
No matter why your parents may become controlling, it’s okay to be hurt. Pain and grief cannot be reasoned with. If your parents consistently hurt you, you have the right to be angry and sad.
15 Telling Signs of Controlling Parents
Controlling parents don’t always look openly abusive. And even if some behaviors look like emotional manipulation, they may become so normalized. Moreover, controlling the signs of mothers and fathers can be masked as care or concern.
Important: this list is neither exclusive nor objective. What’s considered control in one family can be totally normal in another. Always think about how your parents make you feel before jumping to conclusions.
Below are some of the most common signs of controlling parents, based on testimonies of real adults.
- Their “keeping in touch” feels invasive.
Frequent calls, texts, and visits are announced and feel more like monitoring and spying on your life. Bonus points if the controlling mother/father asks you invasive questions that you know you find uncomfortable.
- You feel bad after talking to them.
Conversations leave you feeling guilty, ashamed, tense, or doubting yourself. Your controlling parents may tell about how you ruined their lives, how difficult their lives were, your peers who achieved more, etc.
- They offer advice even when you didn’t ask.
Are phrases “Mom knows best,” “Because I said so,” “It’s my house, and it’s my rules” familiar to you? Controlling mothers/fathers can also question your decisions or offer unsolicited advice, as if you’re incapable of choosing for yourself.
- They invade your personal space.
This can include going through your belongings, reading messages, commenting on your body, or involving themselves in your private matters.
- They make you feel guilty for having boundaries.
When you say no, you’re selfish, ungrateful, or cruel all of a sudden. God forbid if you make plans and stick to them instead of running every time toxic parents call.
- You hesitate before sharing personal details.
You instinctively filter what you say. It happens because you learned that your decisions or opinions may be criticized. If not criticized directly, controlling parents can give you reactions that make you feel uncomfortable.
- They refuse to admit their missteps.
Apologies are rare or nonexistent. If you confront them about how you felt in childhood or something bad they may have done, they minimize, deny, or shift blame onto you.
- They don’t allow or heavily criticize your important decisions.
“Let me choose, I know better” is a phrase especially popular among mothers who exhibit controlling behavior. Don’t even dream about choosing a career, relationships, school, or parenting methods!
- They use leverage to maintain control.
If parents give you something like money, housing, childcare, or approval, they might expect total obedience in exchange. You can’t question them; otherwise, they will use the leverage against you.
- They force their values onto you.
Some parents may force religion, others may not accept your identity. It all comes down to them not wanting to treat you as a separate individual.
- They imposed strict rules on you growing up.
Rules were rigid, unexplained, and often more about obedience than actual usefulness for you. Controlling parents can also not explain their rules, downgrading you as “You won’t understand.”
- They invalidate your feelings.
You’re told you’re “too sensitive,” “dramatic,” or “overreacting” when you express emotions.
- They answer questions for you.
Is it a canon event of having a controlling mother when you go to the doctor, and she answers all the questions for you? In social situations, when people talk to you, controlling parents may try to answer for you as if they knew you better.
- They always know what’s “better” for you.
Your lived experience is dismissed in favor of their certainty. Especially if your preferences or desires differed from theirs.
- They humiliate you in public.
Making fun of you in public is a form of emotional control. It can look like bringing up embarrassing memories or criticizing your appearance in public.
If several of these signs feel familiar, it doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful or that your parents are automatically abusive. It usually means you’ve been navigating a relationship where control replaced trust. Realization is an important step toward changing how much power it has over you.
How to Deal With a Controlling Mother/Father/Caregiver
Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries with a controlling mother means that you accept that your parent won’t change, and you won’t try to change their behavior. Most likely, controlling parents won’t like your boundaries.
One of the hardest parts of setting boundaries is accepting that your parents may be disappointed in you. That reaction tells you that you’re doing everything exactly right.
3 Steps to set boundaries with controlling parents:
- Start by clearly naming what you will and won’t tolerate.
- Keep your boundaries specific and realistic. For example, put an embargo on certain topics, what you won’t be named, how often they can come over, etc.
- Communicate the consequence if it’s crossed. This might mean ending a conversation, leaving a visit early, or completely cutting off the contact.
The most important part is consistency. If boundaries aren’t enforced, they lose credibility. You don’t need to argue, over-explain, or justify yourself repeatedly.
Work Toward Emotional Independence
Emotional independence means learning to separate your sense of worth from your mother’s or father’s approval. People raised by controlling parents may live “their” lives, constantly asking: What will they think? Will this upset them? It’s time to switch to “I-mode.”
Here are a few tips to start:
- Write daily gratitude to yourself every day. Thank you for doing something big or small to learn to love yourself unconditionally.
- Accept that, as an adult, you may never receive the unconditional approval you needed as a child. That loss is real, and grieving it is part of growing emotionally independent.
- Pick one small area of your life where you make decisions without seeking permission or reassurance. It might be something simple, like how you spend your weekend or starting a dump journal.
Keep Calm and Carry On
When you’re dealing with a controlling mother, not every comment deserves a response. If your father or mother shows signs of controlling behavior, they may feed off your reactions. So, guilt, doubt, or anger they provoked may be intentional.
Stay calm and ignore. That’s the advice. At first, this can feel uncomfortable or even disrespectful, especially if you were raised to prioritize their feelings over your own. But it must be done so that you can move on.
The key is continuing to live your life anyway. Go to the places you want to go, pursue the goals that matter to you, and make decisions based on your values. You don’t need to wait for approval to move forward.
Go No Contact (When Necessary)
In some cases, setting boundaries and ignoring are not enough. If a father or mother who shows controlling behavior continues to cross boundaries or cause ongoing emotional harm, going no contact may become a necessary form of self-protection. It is a last-resort boundary used when the relationship remains unsafe despite repeated efforts.
No contact means limiting or fully stopping communication for a period of time. This can be temporary or long-term, depending on what you need to heal. Be prepared to feel intense guilt, fear, and grief. You may worry about being seen as “ungrateful” or “selfish.”
If setting bridges on fire is something you’d consider, be prepared:
- Decide what no contact means for you
- What situations (if any) would change it
- Which relatives do you maintain contact with
- How you will support yourself emotionally during this time
- Find someone who will be there for you, supporting you unconditionally
Work With a Mental Health Specialist
Working with a mental health specialist can be one of the most stabilizing steps when healing from the impact of a controlling mother. A therapist provides something many people never had growing up: validation without conditions. They can help you recognize that your experiences were real and that your emotional reactions make sense.
Therapy supports all the steps above. A specialist can help you define and practice boundaries, build emotional independence, and process the guilt that comes with choosing yourself. Just as importantly, therapy helps you grieve the childhood you didn’t get.