My Decision to become a Step Parent

This week marks five years of being apart of Kai, Amelia and Robin’s life, which is just absolutely wild to me! When I was younger, I always imagined my family in a very specific way – but life is normally not so cut and dry. It’s been a wild five years, filled with so many memories, so much growing up, and a lot of learning on everyone’s part.

When it comes to becoming a step parent, there is so much behind that decision, especially for those who have children that have gone through a messy divorce. It’s a huge commitment, as losing another carer or parent can be very devastating for those involved. For me, a person in my early 20s at the time, I knew this would be a massive lifestyle change and a shift in my own values. I always felt that children need to be taken care of above all else; they do not have much choice in their life, they do not have the ability to just get a job and earn what they want, they aren’t old enough to parent themselves and need a lot of guidance. They shouldn’t be screamed at for being an inconvenience and decisions need to include them and be explained to them. Children should have, in my mind, lives that are able to shape them, support them, and help them so that when they are an adult they have the best chance in the world we live in.

When it came to Kai, Robin and Amelia, none of them were being raised in a way I would have raised them, but at the same time, this was a huge shift in the way they are being brought up, after a messy divorce, with the introduction of a new person, changing a lot of the core ways they were being raised – especially given our circumstances – was a slow process. We took a child-led approach to introducing me to them, and waited until they made the decision that I could move in before I moved in. From there, over the years, we have built up our own traditions, routines, and ways of parenting that compromise what both Dann and I feel parenting should be. There have been times when we have needed to seek guidance on raising children and times when I have stepped back and let Dann lead. It’s very hard in our situation where we have our children half the time, and the other half they are at another home with completely different values and standards. With no co-parenting or real communication between houses, it’s been a tricky road.

This has come at some costs; I use to travel so much, without any sort of responsibilities, but now we focus on family holidays and exploring the world together, with our children. They had not actually been to many places or on big family holidays before we all became a family. Obviously, my savings generally is a lot less (children are expensive!) but through having two incomes, our kids are able to get so much more, do so much more, and achieve so much more. Both Dann and I have chosen work-from-home jobs, which we are extremely lucky to have, so that we can have our entire work days primarily around when our children are home. Our children are split between two houses, so we already only have them for half their lives, and we aren’t going to miss out on more than that.

Over the years, I have played a very important role in our children’s lives. I have worked through people who felt step parents aren’t real, and have proven my place in their lives, showing that I am not some one-off girlfriend of their father, but instead one of their carers. We never forced them to call me step-mom or mom, but I know they feel like I am a parent to them, which is a lovely feeling. This year, Robin gave me a Mother’s Day gift, which was a big surprise as normally we celebrate the day we became a family – a not “me” focused event and instead a family focused event, where we talk about memories we have made over the years and what we hope to do next year. We don’t do this around Mother’s Day, so when she presented a card and gift, it was really heart warming. She explained that her school had gone through what makes up a “mother and other” for mother’s day, and she felt that I fit what they were saying. I have lived with Robin since she was 3, she has no memory of life before I was apart of hers, and that in itself is quite magical.

I am not sure where I would be without Kai, Amelia and Robin, and I am sure they feel the same. It’s amazing to have been chosen by them and that I was able to choose them too. They’ve made me a better person and I know I have made sure they are happy, safe, and well supported in their lives too. We have grown together, created memories together, and I’d like to believe I have been a massive positive in their lives. As someone who didn’t have parental figures to look up to or guide me in my life, being able to support and guide another generation – to help with school problems, advocate for them, support Dann so he can be the best father he can be (and be around them more), all means so much to me. I know it means the world to them as well.